Matt Smith's End of the Spectrum

Melbourne-based writer and journalist. Purveyor of finally crafted radio plays. A Muppet of a man.

The dawning of the Age of Ridiculius

First published in The Punch on 17th January, 2011.

If you’ve ever woken up on the wrong side of bed and thought your stars weren’t in alignment, it turns out you were probably right.

In a move that could have some people questioning every decision they’ve made, astrologers have announced that the star signs need to be adjusted to account for the passage of time.

The 3000-year-old Zodiac system is horribly out of date, and the astrological calendar is in need of an update.

It gets better – apparently there is an extra star sign, Ophiuchus (the serpent bearer), that we’ve been ignoring the entire time. The ancient Babylonians reportedly decided to drop it for means of decoration – they liked the evenness of twelve constellations rather than thirteen.

The goal posts have now been moved. The new dates for star signs are:

Capricorn – Jan 20 to Feb 16
Aquarius – Feb 16 to Mar 11
Pisces – Mar 11 to Apr 18
Aries – Apr 18 to May 13
Taurus – May 13 to Jun 21
Gemini – Jun 21 to Jul 20
Cancer – Jul 20 to Aug 10
Leo – Aug 10 to Sep 16
Virgo – Sep 16 to Oct 30
Libra – Oct 30 to Nov 23
Scorpius – Nov 23 to Nov 29
Ophiuchus – Nov 29 to Dec 17
Sagittarius – Dec 17 to Jan 20

Consider the implications of this – a quarter of Americans believe in star signs and their daily horoscope. Who knows what that translates into in Australia, but the numbers are probably similar.

People make life choices based on this; their jobs, their relationships, all on the cosmic alignment of balls of gas burning millions of miles away. Think of the people tattooed with their star signs (although honestly, they probably deserve what they get).

Besides a permanent skin mishap, if you’ve made your life decisions based on the stars, then don’t worry, there’s little difference.

Let me give you an example: I once thought I was Scorpius, which gave me the traits of loyal, passionate, resourceful, observant, dynamic, jealous, obsessive, suspicious, manipulative and unyielding. Seems to be mostly a good fit, right? Wrong. It turns out that I’ve been a Libra the entire time! So instead I’m diplomatic, graceful, peaceful, idealistic, hospitable, superficial, vain, indecisive, and unreliable. Surprise surprise, I’m enough of those things as well.

Those who find yourselves with the new unpronounceable star sign of Ophiuchus, you’ll find that you are honest, intellectual, sexually magnetic, prone to change and jealous. Strangely enough, a few of those describe me as well.

As a Scorpius I thought of myself as a Bond-type villain with a secret evil lair intent on world domination, but now as a Libra, I get a strange urge to run along the beach with the wind in my hair, and have pillow fights in my underwear. I can’t imagine why.

Next thing they’ll be telling us that Pluto is no longer a planet…

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This entry was posted on February 2, 2011 by in lifestyle and tagged , , , , .
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